1. Spectator

“I’m so happy for you!”

If there was a polar opposite of happy, that was how I was feeling.

“What a joyous occasion!”

Though for me, only in the sense that joy isn’t always felt and can exist in any tortuous circumstance.

“It was a surprise was it? You thought your family was as big as it was going to get?”

I genuinely cared about my three friends … all of whom had gotten surprise pregnancies, in large families, around the same time. I had thought that after years of walking through our inability to have children that I would have developed a toughness by now. I mean I was in my late thirties, I was supposed to be a mature, capable daughter of Christ fully in His service. Jealousy was beneath me wasn’t it?

I thought things were pretty settled in trusting my Creator in this part of our journey, but still the “why’s” and the “it’s not fairs” were coming hard and fast from my wounded heart. We had trusted God through some pretty crazy times here and abroad, why was this so hard to trust Him in?

Was it even jealousy or was it that I was grieving in a deeper way every time I was confronted by what others had and I might never have? Was it somehow both? Or was this going to be another step of the journey in which pat answers had stopped making sense somewhere soon after the first unexpected bend?

“Dad, I need you now. I need to hold your hand, I need to know in my heart, not just my head that you really are walking this road right beside me.”

I meant it when I decided to be fine with whatever He choose, I recognized and was grateful that I had so much, but it still hurt. Why did I still feel such a deep desire? Was there something redemptive that I would eventually see coming out of this lonely journey of sorrow?

Little did I know those few short years ago what our Lord had in store for us and others. If you feel like the place you are at in your journey would benefit from hearing the story of someone who has walked the infertility road, I invite you to join us on this blog. Or if you would like to know more of our personal journey … Welcome!


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