I decided to have a big party for my 40th, I felt loved and celebrated. Although, the children that we were working with and cared deeply about were growing up, new opportunities seemed to be opening up internationally and we started traveling more. We had finally allowed ourselves to embrace our grief journey and accepted that we may never have children of our own. We had come to believe that with every closed door, God would open one better fitting the destiny and gifts He had for us.
So it was somewhat surprising when the idea of adopting a baby popped into my head again one day mid-summer when I was almost 41. I decided I should take this idea to God in prayer. I really wanted to know if He was bringing this desire back to life or if it was a distraction. So I divided the next number of days in half. On the even days I approached life with the expectation that I would adopt a baby and see if I sensed peace about it while waiting on God and going about my day. On the odd days I would go forward with the expectation that I wouldn’t adopt a baby and see what I sensed. An unexpected thing happened, which is true often when we interact with an amazing, mind boggling big God. I got a answer that I didn’t even know existed. On even days I kept feeling incredible peace about adopting but then on the odd days I would sense that somehow I would be giving birth.
“God, this is confusing, are you even leading this? Or am I just imagining that you are leading me?”